Me First!!

The alarm goes off at 4:30. I want to cry. My warm handsome husband asleep next to me....and a day FULL of responsibilities and a mile long to do list of things that HAVE to be done today.
I press snooze and close my eyes and begin to pray. That God will give ME the strength to get up and get things done. 'Cause heaven knows I'd rather sleep!!!

This morning I'm sitting here...eating my breakfast..listening to an audiobook. Spending a little time with God..and ME!!!!

Yes...today I'm putting ME first!!!!!!!! Selfish?!! I used to think so. I was raised to be a self sacrificing Christian. I truly believed that putting others first...always would SAVE MY SOUL.
The words of the childhood poem by Shel Silvetstein "ME FIRST" about a spoiled rotten little girl who always put herself first...and got eaten by a hungry Giant are memorized and deeply engrained in my mind. I can recite the whole darn poem!!!! Moral of the poem?!! Don't be selfish!!! Never. Ever. Ever!!!
As I've grown.. I felt I was pretty good at that!! I love God...so I dedicated myself to service. Just like my amazing parents!!! I quickly became a pediatric nurse, then a devoted and very young wife, then a joyous and very young mother. All by choice. All are a wondrous blessings. All gifts from God!!

BUT....I got TIRED. Working nights starting IVs and being puked on...coming home and taking care of small wonderful mess makers..then trying to care for my handsome and hardworking husband as he worked full time or slaved in school to better our lives. I have whole heartedly tried to serve friends..at church...my neighbors...the homeless guy.....and who got left out?!?!

ME!!!! I forgot to take care of me!??

So you can imagine....I got very very very Tired. I suddenly began to resent everyone I loved to serve. I began to feel panic that I would never ever ever be good enough...because I couldn't do everything for everyone...because I was human..and I was exhausted. Instead of being engaged in my life...I wanted to RUN from it. I became depressed, disengaged...and resentful of the people I filled my life with...by choice...to serve. Then a little voice..in my heart...GOD...gave me permission...to put ME first.
So....I did. And I can't ever go back. I RAN away from my life. Literally. As fast as possible. Thank you Nike.

In fact.....

I run away from my life....frequently. Just ask my husband how many days he walks in the door and I hand him a fit throwing child and walk out with headphones and a playlist and run like Hell!!!!! Often. You can ask my neighbors...I always sprint the first 10 blocks in sheer desperation for a little personal space!!!!
And you know what!?! It's NOT selfish!!!!!

Sometimes I even pay babysitters to go get a spray tan ...or just go to the grocery store...ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes...I even lock the door when I shower and I pretend to not hear my kids fighting and begging for a string cheese for 5 minutes. And when someone calls to ask me to volunteer for something.....I NEVER say yes! (I say...thanks for asking I will have to check my schedule and get back to you!!!)

I am FINALLY learning to put ME FIRST!!!! My relationship with God...my health...my sanity.
I discovered an amazing truth.... that I matter too!!! God loves ME too!!! So I can help myself sometimes!!!!

And if I want to serve and love with a heart full of passion and purpose....my own heart needs to be centered, full of peace...and fulfillment. That only comes by taking care of ME!!!!!!!
That being said... I often get up super early to give time to myself ....or I pay a babysitter. It's a sacrifice to take care of Me.

But I refuse to be unhappy because I never filled my own cup of happiness. And you know what?!!! God multiplies my efforts. Sure..I would still put my life on the line if asked to save my child....but on a daily basis...I've got to save myself too!!!

So....this morning I'm sitting in the quiet listening to the book "Youre a Badass" (yes..I'm listening to a book that swears. Because I can be a Christian..and a badass). I am eating my breakfast...wrapped in a Santa snuggie....and then I am going to workout..and maybe get to my inbox...all before 7.

Because today....I put ME FIRST. And I'm not going to get eaten by a Giant for doing so...I'm not going to Hell...and I'm not selfish.

I'm smart. And I'm happy.

......and to explain the picture....if I were to build my own world...selfishly...just for myself....it would be purple. It's the place I go in my mind. And it's also full of warm rain, roller skates, dark chocolate, tall quiet mountains, and an ocean filled with mermaids and dolphins!! It's my ME first happy place